The Heart of Joy

Yesterday you could see every stone, every pebble beneath the gently flowing river. Crystal clear, it was. My eyes saw clearly the beauty below the surface. Today, it's like chocolate milk. The overnight rain had brought cloudy waters. I strain to see at least a little bit of rock bottom, but the river is moving fast and there is nothing visible except the rushing flow of dense brown water.

This is a picture of how I am feeling lately. Things that used to bring me joy and trigger desire, just havent even touched me lately. And it is downright disturbing. I'm having trouble seeing beauty through the muddy waters of day to day life.

Where has my joy gone? Has my joy gone?

Moisture has been a rarity lately with temperatures in the 90's consistently for over a month. The ground has become parched in places, but still, there are berries on bushes and pretty little wildflowers sprinkled about the mountain floor . The man at the little red country store said this rain was the first measurable moisture in over a month in these parts. I imagine this rain was a welcomed site. The moisture that brings good, also brought the muddy water.

Maybe that's where my joy has gone? I see muddy waters. I have clouded vision. But if I would take my eyes off of the places that bring disturbance in my life, and look around at the places that show perseverance and promise, maybe I would see that the same rains that cloud my vision, also cause growth. Is it possible to just have one without the other? Not likely. In order to find joy, sometimes we have to experience the things that disturb the flow of our lives, so we can be thankful for what really matters. Indeed, it is hard to see below the surface of a troubled world, to the rock solid foundation over which it flows, but nevertheless, it still remains. The bedrock that lines the path is unmoved. My faith foundation----my salvation----cannot be disturbed. My human nature gets muddled easily by even the gentle storms of life, but my faith will not waver.

So where does joy reside when all I can see is brokenness around me? If my faith is unmovable than shouldnt my joy also be?  Joy is not dependent on earthly means, and is not just a state of "happiness". Joy comes from the root of our faith and it is embedded deeply into our soul. It is a steady sustainer of body and soul, pulsating from the heart of our existence. It is the bloodlife of our faith, because in order to have faith we have to believe that we are forgiven and receive with gratitude the Lord of our salvation. As long as the heart beats, there will be the circulation of joy, because of Jesus' blood poured out for our salvation, poured over and into us by the One who was pierced, so that instead of eternal joylessness, we could be filled with Joy Himself forevermore.

This thought stops me short in my tracks. How can I be so blind to the Joy in me? I know this. I am blind to the Joy in me because I am too focused on the brokenness around me. What I see as brokenness, God sees as opportunity to show Himself faithful. Like the red berries and tiny purple and yellow wildflowers amidst the parched grass, He reveals joy even amongst the dying. Like the long hard rain, He saturates with good, even when we see mud.

Perhaps I am looking with my eyes instead of my heart? Open the eyes of my heart Lord....I want to see You. I want that same heart that pulsates wildly, circulating body and soul with Joy to the utmost tips of my existence and beyond, so that I may see you everywhere, and so that I might see others with your eyes of compassion and love. Because isnt that what joy is all about? To give on Your behalf?

The bottom line......joy is revealed in us when we see with His eyes....not just the muddy waters, but when we know what lies beneath the murkiness, and are ever so grateful for our sure Foundation. Joy is revealed around us as well, as we look beyond the places of sorrow to the blooming life around us that perseveres even in the parched lanscapes of time----because the rain storms that bring muddy waters also bring new life. And for that, I am grateful~~~~and I am Joy~full!

The Climb

She asked me to climb with her, and before the words were out of her mouth I said yes~~because I would do anything to spend a day with her~~including hiking Heart Mountain!  I mean, how hard can it be anyway?  She took her 3rd graders up there every year and they made it clear to the tippy top every time!  It would be an absolute delight to view the whole valley below from the top of this local icon, and I have always wondered what it would be like to be standing right in that spot that I have been looking at from the ground practically all of my life.  So, YES, I will climb!

A day with Christy~~~as usual, every moment spent with my dear friend would hold special lessons and cherished memories.  At the time, I didn't know that in 6 short years she would be gone.  I look back at that climb now, and I glean so many more lessons than even before.

We started walking on a sunny July day.  The path was long and flat at first.  We talked and laughed and bounced along looking at everything around us.  Heart Mountain stood majestically before us and as we approached it's base, it became our journey.  It melted under our feet as we began the gradual ascent.  The walk was easy at first, just like all of our other walks together.  The path was clear and smooth so I could keep my gaze on the friend beside me and the gorgeous mountain ahead of me.

After a brief snack in the grove of Aspens we set off for the actual climb.  The path got steep very quickly and the talking slowed to more brief sentences in order to make room for the increased need to breathe!  Christy always said that the key to climbing was to maintain a slow and steady pace. That's how she tackled her own steep climb~~~her walk with Cancer. As I walked with her through her illness, I found myself feeling almost like I did when we did the Heart Mountain climb together~~~following her lead, but wondering at times if I was going to lose my very breath before it was over.

 Christy was a practiced backpacker and hiker and I trusted her to lead me safely up the path. I followed her steps carefully, finding my eyes on the path far more than before. In fact, I think I was focusing too much on the path because I was starting to wonder if I really was going to make it to the top~~~this was steep and hard!  The path was narrow and twisty with big jagged stones to dodge.  In some spots the sandy gravel caused our feet to slide, so our footing placement was very important and purposeful.  I kept wondering if this all was really worth it, but then I would look up and see that indeed, we were getting closer and closer to the sky and farther and farther from the ground.  We were making good progress despite my pounding heart and heaving breath.

Christy was confident because she had been on this path many times before.  She knew right where to go.  Her eyes were accustomed to scanning back and forth between the rocky path and the top of the mountain.  She kept the ground and the sky in constant view.  I, however, could only focus on the path, my breathing, and the leading of my friend.

 When I look back through my friendship with Christy, I see how God used this hike as a metaphor to follow.  He knew what was coming~~~He knew the journey ahead~~~but He also knew that together, we would trudge, one encouraging the other and back again.  When we are in the midst of something hard, He gives us people to follow and people to encourage us, but it's never just a one-sided thing.  He uses every situation to it's maximum by teaching all who are involved some very precious lessons. We learn from each other, and together we journey along, and all the while we are getting closer and closer to the top~~~to the eternal view of things.  Christy journeyed through her Cancer with one eye on the path, and one on eternity. She lived every single moment purposefully.  There were big obstacles to dodge, breathless days when her abdomen was so full of fluid that her lungs were unable to fully expand, and the sandy ground of fatigue that threatened to cause her to backslide.  But because of her steady and purposeful living, she walked victoriously upright and led with honor.

I can still remember rounding that last corner and her saying, "We are almost there Kara!"  I can still remember the awe that I felt as I made it to the top and saw what was waiting for me!  Speechless for a moment, I stood and just shook my head.  Who woulda thought that anything could be so beautiful?  And it was right in my midst all of my life!  The thing is, I never had this perspective before.  In fact, I never even knew there could be a perspective like this!  The panoramic view from up top gave me understanding of how the land was laid out~~~~everything seemed to make sense.

Reaching the Top

By some amazing blessing, the wind was not bad that day, so we were able to sit awhile and talk, and listen, and look.  A hawk circled above us as we contemplated life.  One of our dear friends had been killed in a horse accident a few weeks before, and so death was part of our conversation.  We talked about the importance of living every moment as if it would be the last~~~~but not living selfishly.  We talked about making a difference~~~living and loving for the sake of others and for the glory of God.  Living purposefully because of the gift we have been given.

God grew Christy through the last of her journey on earth, just as He grew all who loved her.  He blessed us by her presence and her exuberant example of living well, and He blessed her with His constant comfort and presence and many many loved ones to encourage and care for her.  At the end of her journey I was there with her.  And this time, I was able to whisper in her ear, "You are almost there Christy!  The hard part is almost over."  I can only imagine what she must have seen as she reached the top, entered into glory, and was able to finally see how God laid everything out perfectly in her life and how everything makes perfect sense.  I can only imagine what it must be like to finally get to view not only creation, but the true Creator Himself, and to hear Him say, "Well done my child. You lived with love, and purpose and used your gifts well."

I'm learning that the journey isn't all about the path, it's about where we are going. In order to keep a slow and steady pace through life, we have to know where we are going.  We have to know that there is more than the tough things under our feet and the long climb ahead of us.  We have to know that we are not alone.  And we have to know that there is a purpose for our existence.  We were created for a reason and when we know the Creator Himself, we have a constant companion to guide us through those twisty, narrow, rocky, exhausting times in life and lead us on to glory.  Instead of just living, He calls us to LIVE WELL.

"If you make the Most High your dwelling~~~He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;  they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone~~~'because he (she) loves me' says the Lord, 'I will rescue him (her);  I will protect him (her), for he(she) acknowledges my name.  He (she) will call upon me and I will answer him (her);  I will be with him (her) in trouble, I will deliver him (her) and honor him (her). With long life will I satisfy him (her) and show him (her) my salvation." Psalm 91:9-16

After the Pruning

4 days away from home, 4 days since the pruning----just 4 days, and already the blooms have exploded!  I returned to find a planter full of pleasure!  Those persistent geraniums are covered with bright red and white color and the little mums and petunias are all opened up in the evening sunshine. It's as if
                                                  they are giving glorious praise as their
brilliance shouts beauty and joy!

How could just a little pruning result in this?  Well, I can tell you that it wasn't just the pruning!  It was the sun and the water and the cool of the night that filled the empty spots with abundant flashes of colorful flowers, and it makes me smile!  

Isn't that just the way God works in our lives?  Where there once was emptiness, He fills the heart with hope.  Where there is longing, He gives joy in ways that sustain us while we wait.  Where time has plucked special things out of our midst, He gives grace and colors our lives with the comfort of His truth and His promise.

The Lord is faithful to all His promises and loving toward all He has made.  The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down.  The Lord is near to all who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth. 
Psalm 145: 13, 18

We don't just flourish because of pruning and pain.  We grow in the strength of the Son and the Living Water of His Spirit, and the cool rest He gives our soul when the heat of trials overwhelm us.   And I give praise for all of it and pray for a countenance that shouts His beauty and glory.  I am a cracked pot, but He fills me with His abundant grace so that I may show His love and grow to His pleasure.

The pruning isn't the taking away of the ones we love, it's the act of teaching us to surrender the tight hold we have on them so that we can trust The One who blessed us with them in the first place.  As we learn to let go, we open ourselves up to the next stage of life and our journey continues as we walk in the presence of the Lord.

Pruning----part 2

It's late summer.  It's the time when things begin to change, and the things that spring had birthed, and long-lighted days had grown, begin to go into another phase. It seems as though this change always involves a surrender of some sort.

Surrendering can be painful, especially if it is something that is deeply loved that we must let go.  Surrendering can be like pruning.  Sometimes there are things that give us no choice but to let go of those things we continue to hold on to so tightly.  Time moves forward without any hesitation.  It doesn't stand still to give us a chance to release things ourselves, it steadily moves on, taking things with it, leaving a bit of sorrow in its wake. Time can pluck the blossoms right from our hearts, and it hurts even though the blossoms have changed.....and maybe even have died.

I pace the length of the porch trying to rid myself of the empty feeling I have inside.  "What will I do without them?  What will I do without her?  Why do things have to change?" My head tells me that there is a time for all things under heaven, but my heart asks time to stand still......and maybe even rewind so I can see her one more time.....so I can hear her voice and see her smile one more time.....so I can wrap my arms around her and just hold on for awhile.

 The kids leave at the end of summer, and my precious friend passed in the month of September, and for reasons beyond my control, I cannot get past the reoccurring sadness that always overcomes me this time of year.

Did she have to go now?  Couldn't we have just held her a little longer? Again, my heart feels such a tug.

My last chick pulls out of the driveway to go back to college.  I hold back tears until I get into the house and then stand by the window and watch her go away.  Memories flash of seeing my dear friend take her last breath as she went away.  I hate good-byes. Before my friend passed, she said we shouldn't say, "good-bye" we should only say, "I Love You".

 I Love you.

  The African Violet sits on the table next to where I am standing.  I absent-mindedly reach down and give the flower stem a snap and a tug and I pull the partially spent blossom away from the plant, leaving emptiness. Even without the pretty purple flowers, the plant is healthy and green.  It is strong and it has potential for new growth..  I know that this pruning is necessary in order to once again see the flourish of color.

Emptyness fills me as I hear the clock tick-tick-ticking.  I  feel the painful plucking and the tears fall.  But the heart is strong and there is potential--- even in the pruning.  Potential for new growth----new color. Oh Lord, please give me patience in the waiting, hope in the loneliness, and comfort in the sadness.

Pruning

 Pacing the porch in the morning sun, I absent-mindedly reach down and pinch off an old dried geranium bloom and toss it into the bucket of mixed dead blooms.Before I know it, I am plucking and pinching deadness out of the whole bed of plants. Taking one dead bloom is not enough....no, the whole garden must be rid of the things taking up space and crowding out the new blossoms and fresh green leaves. When I am done, I am satisfied as I look at the planter that extends the length of our front porch. Some of the color is gone, but in time, new blossoms will burst forth. 

 The clock is moving far too fast this morning. My heart feels that familiar tug, and my mind keeps saying,"where did the summer go? Did I spend enough time with her? Can't she just stay a little longer? When can we be together again? I shoulda......I coulda.... I woulda....I hate good-byes."

I grab the watering can and I begin to pour fresh cool water over the wilting pots of little purple mums and peach and yellow petunias. Water droplets glisten on the leaves and slide down into the refreshed soil. "There, that oughta keep you happy for a day or two," I tell the bright little plants. This heat is taking it's toll on all things growing.


I feel like the heat of things is taking it's toll on me as well.....things like too much busyness and not enough God, too much focus on self and not enough on the overall view of things, and......my empty nest.

My Girls

Together Again!

Seems crazy that two, born fom the same body, raised side by side through toddler to teen, and loved fiercly by the one who gave them birth, would all be living in separate places. Such is life, but this Mama is having trouble liking it!

A recent trip to Kylie's, provided a chance for us to all be together before Kristin heads off to school. Seeing the girls playing at the park brought back so many memories. It was as though they were 4 and 6 again, gigglng and challenging one another to "try this!" My heart felt joy, and sorrow all at the same time.

How could it be that this time in life could already be here? I can't believe that i have to let go ALREADY. Oh, how I miss those days of having them near, watching them play, dressing them in matching outfits, playing house with them, doing crafts and baking with them, reading to them, cuddling with them and smelling the familiar scent of their little sweet heads, and then tucking them into bed at night with a kiss and a prayer.

When they went off to college, it was hard, but somehow I still felt like they were mine! Now, Kylie is married and Kristin is preparing to start her career after this last year fo school and probably won't live at home next summer. So the reality of letting go is hitting me like a punch in the gut. Don't get me wrong, I am so excited for them and so blessed that they are finding their own way in life. I love seeing them blossom in time, but a Mama's heart always has that one piece that just wont detach, and every once in awhile it tugs hard enough to hurt, until it is stretched and made more pliable.

The truth is, they were never really mine to begin with. They were "on loan" from God, given to us for safe keeping, to nurture and teach until one day when they would be ready to go out and follow their own callings in life. I mean, that is the goal right? Self talk, self talk! I wonder why this is so hard? A friend said, "i wonder why God paired menopause and our children leaving all around the same time in life?!" I wonder that too.....in fact I think that will be one of my first questions when I get to heaven!

One thing I know for sure is that our sorrow is often in relation to our love. The more we love, the harder it is to let go. So......I must love my children a whole bunch! Thank God my son Brennan is still near....for now!

I am thankful for these moments of reflection and memories that can never be stolen, and I am so thankful for children that still love to take their Mama along when they go to the park to play!

Just the next step.....

A Petaled Path

Have you ever had days when you felt like everything before you looks grim?  Sometimes as we listen to the news or discover trials that our loved ones are going through, we feel so helpless and wonder what we are headed into. Sometimes I want to just close my eyes and stand still and pretend that I'm not here!  But then I realize that all I have to do is take the next step. Looking too far forward can be overwhelming, but if I just look at the step in front of me, I begin to see hope.  

We all know that we can't solve the world's problems ourselves.....we can't even solve our own problems ourselves!  We neither have the knowledge or the stamina to do everything that we think needs done in order to "make things OK". The thing is, what we may think the answer is, may not be the answer at all. We just see what is in front of us, we don't see the entire picture. Our ways and desires might not be what's best in the wide scheme of things.  But there is One who knows all.
 "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:9 

 And He works all things for the good for those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28
 We can trust in our all-knowing God.  We can trust Him to lead us to the next step according to His purpose for our lives.  If the path was completely clear all the way, we wouldn't lean on Him for the best way.  Having a partially unclear path causes us to rely on His strength and His will as we go, so that our steps will be in the direction He chooses in order for His purpose to be fulfilled in our lives.  

He doesn't ask us to grope around in darkness, trying to find our way, He lights our path as we go.  Like a lamp, the light only illuminates a portion of the path in front of us.
 "Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path." Psalm 119:105  Keeping the light before us requires a constant closeness with God through prayer, reading His Word, and living a life that reflects His love.  

So, when I am feeling overwhelmed by the problems in the world, or in my own life, I try to remember that all God asks of me is to take the next step.....to listen and watch for His guiding light so that I might know what I can do in order to fulfill His purpose in the greater scheme of things.  This gives me hope and moves me forward, and soon I am able to see the blessings rather than the problems. It's like the picture above. The blessings sprinkle the path.  If we are looking too far into the darkness ahead, we forget to look down at the blessings before us! 

Lord, help me today to see the blessings you have sprinkled at my feet so that I can be grateful rather than fretful!